the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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