First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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