The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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