Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
