im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
