A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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