Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
