we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
