Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
