ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
