I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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