this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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