Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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