My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
