if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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