i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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