i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
