Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
