we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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