I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
