Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
