You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
