My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize