i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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