she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
