Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
