So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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