I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
