I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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