in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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