i don't like sucking hair
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i dont even know how to be here
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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