Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
