YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize