i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
