i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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