Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
