I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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