and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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