I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize