We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
