I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
