He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
