you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
