Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Im part way to drunk.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
