i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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