the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize