Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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