this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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