im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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