it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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