I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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