I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
