alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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