what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
