We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
