Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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