i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize