Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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