Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
