Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
