those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize