I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
