I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
