Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is it because I queefed?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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