woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
