I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Green mimosas i think yes
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
