the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
