how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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