That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
