They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You made out with two different species that night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
