On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Floor bacon is actually really good
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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